I don't want to be rich,
I want to be famous.

There's been two people in my life that have made it stop. By it, I mean everything. They've made me see the beauty in the word, every time they've touched me - or spoke to me. And when they've kissed me; I haven't been able to kiss them back. My mouth has just gone numb, and my tongue has been completely frozen with something. Not anxiety, not fear, not even love. Just. Something. Every time I've seen them, I've automatically become myself. Before they showed up, I've planned things to do to let them realize how depressed I am. But the moment they've walked through the door, I've forgotten all those things and just been so happy. So. Fucking. Happy. I've wanted to spend my entire life with them, and I've thought about them constantly. Because, even though they weren't perfect - they have been the only two people that have made me feel alive.

Both of them have left.

And today; I remembered that.

I need some Advil. I have a headache.

My names Kendra Elysia Richards.
And. I. Sleepwalk.

Because everyone in the world,
Takes dreaming for granted.

They don't realize what it's like,
To fall asleep off drugs every night -
and alcohol and lost love.
And never have a thought race through their mind.
No pictures, no stories.
Just fucked up theories.

[I know, I updated this a lot today. I couldn't help it. I just.. need to write somewhere. And there's really no other place to write right now].

My dreams are too big for this small town.
Maine isn't my place to be.

The entire world is screaming my name.
And I'm going to go to it.

<3.

I'm graduating this year.
And I'm moving to New York City.

Sometimes I wonder why I'm still in school.
Human Anatomy 101.
A lifetime supply of knowledge informing me of the team work my body uses in order to exist my being. Make me alive.

Sitting in the back of the class, trying to copy the rotation of the foreign symbols on the board. The visions unfocused. Cross out and try again. Cross out and try again.

This is Human Anatomy 101, my knowledge, my being.

My existence. I'm a lost cause in space, I can't tell a road from my own living room. Or why your eyes stretch and bound around your body - rotating in sequence across the classroom, forming units, intervals. Chain reactions.

The rest of the class is pro when it comes to mass and matter. Your the mass. Giving, progressing in a straight forward direction - and they're the matter. Clinging to your progression, shoplifting your sources of life. Your light - that they crowd around. They know the negatives and positives, your own universal truth inside your creativity. Your compounds. They're elements.

Racing around, trying to figure out the landmarks in this geometry universe. My freshman science class. My own geographical globe, a map of my own pros and cons. So, I dress myself, and have myself a tea party before I wake up in the morning. Sucking down the gin, and fucking myself naked before I grab my weekly uniform. Consisting of what I think I should wear in order to seem pricey to anyone looking at me. Reverse Distributive Property.

My psychology.

What keeps me going. My own source of life.
Flipping around, my hair a black disaster -
Invaded with snakes and bugs that crawl
Thick and fat along side my dead cells,
Eating away at their prize. Their masterpiece.

Human Anatomy 101.

My kidneys and my liver join together, stuffing themselves inside of one another. Because even though they're enemies - neither one of them wants to be alone. I search for my large intestines, that lurk around suffocating my gallbladder - making my fucking esophagus fueled up and leak into my trachea. Like a German soldier puking at his stand, like a fucking mother fucking drunk bitch taking a piss.

Poor drunk bitches, who miss they're daddy's.

Confusing insanity and difference with art. Drunk saggy chins, pants that can't fit over blown up fucking crotches. Like a circus act, a mother fucking sculpture competition.

Ending with my fucking genius, my schoolbook.
My.
Human Anatomy 101.

This is how I feel right now.


Well the future's got me worried
Such awful thoughts
My head's a carousel of pictures
The spinning never stops
I just want someone to walk in front
And I'll follow the leader

Like when I fell under the weight
Of a schoolboy crush
Started carrying her books
And doing lots of drugs
I almost forgot who I was
But I came to my senses

Now I'm trying to be assertive
I'm making plans
Going to rise to the occasion, yeah
Meet all their demands
But all I do is just lay in bed
And hide under the covers

Yeah, I know I should be brave
But I'm just too afraid of all this change

And it's too hard to focus
Through all this doubt
I keep making these to-do lists
But nothing gets crossed out
Working on the record seems pointless now
When the world ends, who's gonna hear it?

But I'm trying to take some comfort
In written words
Yeah, Tim, I heard your album
And it's better than good
When we get off tour I think we should
Hang and black out together

Because I been feeling sentimental
For days gone by
All the summers singing, drinking, my friend
Wasting our time
Remember all the songs and the way we smiled
In those basements made of music

But now I've got to crawl to get anywhere at all
I'm not as strong as I thought

So when I'm lost in a crowd
I hope that you'll pick me out
How I long to be found
The grass grew high, I laid down
Now I'm waiting for a hand
To lift me up, help me stand
I've been laying so low
Don't want to lay here no more

Don't want to lay here no more
Don't want to lay here no more
Don't want to lay here no more

Everything that happens
Is supposed to be
And it's all predetermined
Can't change your destiny
Guess I'll just keep moving
Someday maybe I'll get to where I'm going

I feel so fucking alive.

Mom, why are your eyes always so wild?
While the dog barks in my haunted room.
With the cold icy mantelpiece in the middle of August.
My mouth clamped shut, my teeth grinding together -
While I walk around in sync with the heavy beat
Of my Grim Reaper.

My best friend.
The only person who's been there with me since I was a child.
Making me searching the house in a panic,
Screaming. Afraid. Alone.
Losing my memory, focusing on nothing.
But my own mind.
Because it's the only thing that's real anymore.

And wheres my puppet playhouse?
My carnival castle, and Barbie car.
Where the fuck are my dandelion necklaces,
That I can soak in around my neck -
Leaving a permanent tattoo that I won't have to get when I'm 24
And I'm a drug addict
In a rat infested apartment complex
In the middle of a city too fucking small
With five fucking kids that hate me
And a husband who likes to fuck the redhead downstairs.

Whatever happened to primary school?
Whatever happened to beauty? And life?

I've tried to list all the things I fear most, and tried to figure out why.
1) Ovens.
2) Merry-go-rounds.
3) Carnivals.
4) The bottoms of lakes.

Dameon. He started the merry-go-rounds. We got married in first grade, and went to some fucked up carnival in town. While I was on the ride, lights flickering, and Dameons lips on my cheek - I started to feel dizzy. Pretty soon the entire carnival was spiriling around in circles. Lights were flashing everywhere, these bright neon carnivals lights, and I was screaming at the top of my lungs. I wasn't scared, but I started to see people that weren't there. Screaming my name, holding out their arms towards me. I told my daddy not to hurt me, and not to touch me. Now everytime I see a merry-go-round, all I can see is lights spirling, and myself burning up. My whole body feels like it's been lit on fire.

And in every way possible.
I turned out to be a merry-go-round.
A dizzy, dark, fucked up merry-go-round.

You were an artist.

Paints and drawings. Sculptures. Beauty.
Rush, rush, rush into the wilderness.
Capture. Analyze. Become.
Reality.

This is where it started. Before your tongue was shoved down my throat, and your hand was up my shirt. Before I was starved to death in the front seat of your car, making faces at you. Laughing hysterically at things that weren't funny. Making silly eyes at each other. Racing around for hours, with no possible destination.

Before you started drinking. Thrashing around at your hardcore concerts with your friends. Finding other girlfriends. Fucking everyone under the sun. You forgot how to talk to me, and you were always crying. Crying, your eyes shut, your face angry. You acted like such a disappointment to yourself, and to everyone around you. I wonder how many other people you ever cried in front of. Screaming, swearing, shaking hysterically.

Before I was in love with you. You painting pictures on me, so fucking real I could have reached out and touched myself. While you grabbed me and picked me up, kissing me. Fighting with me about stupid things. Running around together through playgrounds, picking daises and making dandelion necklaces. Baking cookies, and playing outside in the snow. We were every season.

Before we hated each other. And we couldn't leave, because we didn't know how. And we wanted to be together constantly, but all we could do was fight. And you hit me, and I tried so fucking hard not to cry. Because that was the worst thing I could ever do, was cry in front of you.

But I did it anyways.
I fucking cried in front of you.

So, the past few days have been fun. Yesterday, I got math help [finally] so maybe I'll be getting more than a 30 in Geometry next quarter. Blah! Then I went to the movies with Val! [My girlfriend, in case you weren't aware]. It was amazing, although I'm not sure what the plot line was. Or the movie?

And today, I went to tap and danced [or lack there of, haha just kidding] and attempted to help with the set for set day. They decided it'd be awesome to be done with the set for the day, 10 minutes after I got there. But I stayed for another hour with Nichole, Andrew, Katriza, and Katelyn anyways. :] It was major fun. And Andrew brought me cupcakes. :D

So, my week.
Tomorrow : Rehearsal for Over the River and Through the Woods @ 1. I'll be gone from 12-4. Then Laramie Project Auditions @ 7.
Monday : School. Peter Pan Auditions until 5:30.
Tuesday : Civil Rights until 3:45ish/Peter Pan Auditions until 5:30.
Wednesday : Happy Daze Rehearsal & Over the River and Through the Woods Rehearsal & Eye Appointment @ 4 [I'm getting contacts so I won't be blind, it's about time].
Thursday : Orthodontist appointment, Happy Daze Rehearsal @ 2:30-5:30, Voice Lesson @ 6.
Friday : Nothing yet.
Saturday : Tap!, Dance in Gardiner possibly? With Val and Meagan.
Sunday : Rehearsal for Over the River and Through the Woods.

Busy, busy!! :D <33 Love you all. All you kiddies auditioning for Peter Pan, BREAK A LEG! You'll all do splendid! :D

Livejournal, old friend.
My, my, my has it been a long time.

I think the last time I updated this was sophomore year?
Well, I'm only a junior now - so I guess that's not too bad.

I remembered this and decided to swing by before I go to rehearsal in a bit. I missed a day of school today, which was supposed to be due to young writers - but instead I had a silly orthodontist appointment. I'm getting braces next week, ahh! :] I bet I'll look cute, tee hee.

So, anyone reading this should come see Happy Daze at Leavitt, on November 16 & 17. I got the lead, [finally] Melanie! Seriously, it's hilarious. I don't know how good it will be though, half the cast decided to drop out. And the cast that didn't drop out, never actually comes to rehearsal. Oh, Leavitt plays!

Lets see, lets see. I take voice lessons now, and tap! I'm not very good at the tap part yet, but I'm getting there. I'm actually pretty good for just starting though.

Peter Pan auditions are Monday and Tuesday. I'm going for Peter Pan. Wish me..to break lots of legs? I did really really want Wendy, but now I really really want Peter. I'd be happy with either though. I really want Miss Danni Giffune to get Peter Pan. She sings better than I do, and plus she's just amazing. BREAK SEVENTEEN LEGS DANNI! :] I hope I get a lead, if not one of the two than Tiger Lily. I think I have a really good shot at Tiger Lily, Appleby already came up and told me I'd be fantastic at it. And she tried to find music for her, and talks about the part to me everytime I'm around. Hmm. I guess we'll just wait and see.

Plus, I'm auditioning for The Laramie Project in Auburn. I REALLY hope I make that one. The show means so much to me, especially being a bisexual and all. It's one of my favorite plays of all time. Hmm.

PS: I was reading through my old entries trying to make them friends only. Why was I so freakishly immature, and ridiculous? Are all middle school+freshman that awful? Ahh, well!

I loveee you all.

So, I decided to make a list of all my dream roles.

The Fantasticks - Louisa
The Sound of Music - Liesl
Annie Get Your Gun - Winnie Tate
Mame - Mame
Oliver! - Nancy
The King and I - Tuptim
Godspell - Kendra
Jospeh and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat - Narrator
42nd Street - Peggy Sawyer
Anything Goes - Reno Sweeney
Into the Woods - Cinderella
Fiddler on the Roof - Chava
Beauty and the Beast - Belle
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas - Angel
Cabaret - Sally Bowles
Carousel - Louise
Chicago - Roxie
Grease - Rizzo
Grand Hotel - Elizaveta Grushinskaya
Guys and Dolls - Sarah Brown
Gypsy - Louise
Hairspray - Amber Von Tussle
Hello, Dolly - Dolly
How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying - Rosemary
Jekyll and Hyde - Lucy
Kiss me Kate - Bianca
Les Miserables - Cosette
Little Shop of Horrors - Audrey
Man of La Mancha - Aldonza
Mary Poppins - Winifred Banks
The Music Man - Marian
Oklahoma - Laurey
Once Upon a Mattress - Winnifred
Peter Pan - Princess Tiger Lily
The Prouders - Ulla
Rent - Mimi
The Rocky Horror Show - Columbia
Seussical the Musical - Gertrude
Singin' in the Rain - Kathy Selden
West Side Story - Maria
Sweet Charity - Charity

Let me fall asleep, into your arms. Don't let darkness overcome us.

Somedays, I don't know what I'm doing. Sometimes, I just sit and draw. Somewhere, I dream about the theatre.

And if you get the chance, to sit out or dance. I hope you dance.. I hope you dance.

To Act Is To Be Beautiful

In the morning, you throw up water, and your skin turns a pale pale yellow.

well everyday you lose more color
do you think that someone paints your mirror?
so you think that things sound different
at the time when you speak
well there are visions much clearer than these blurs that you see
and like neely o'hara you swallow your sleep
and wake up in the morning
to find you are not who you used to be
you don't recognize the behavior
or the spelling of your name and the shape that is in the mirror
well you'd swear it is not the same..